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Mother May I?

By: Dotty

I should go visit my son, my only child. I should be glad he has a new productive career and wasnít lost by the wayside. I should be happy his friends stood by him and made sure he didnít fall. I should be grateful he is happy. I ought to be letting this go. I canít. I wonít.

You see, I raised my son to be dependent on me, and no one else, for his emotional support. We traveled the world while he was growing up, never staying in one place long enough for him to establish attachments to any others. This was how I wanted it. The only time he thwarted me was over attending Rainier. I graciously gave in, knowing in the end he would return to me. After all, I taught him to detach with love. Of course, I didnít mean myself. I mean, he belonged to me didnít he? Iíve even made sure his father was kept out of the picture. He doesnít know about Blair and what he doesnít know he could never interfere with. I didnít have to share. Thatís how I wanted it. I know Blairís had questions, but his view on the matter has never been of importance to me.

I left Blair with different people at different times when my schedule couldnít make room for him. Really, I had things to do and places to go and these often didnít include a child. Also, the lesson I was the only one he could lean on was reinforced each time I would leave and come back. Arenít life lessons what I was supposed to teach him? There were times when he simply would have been in the way and others, well, I needed my space. I mean, Iím his friend. I was never into the "Iím a parent" gig. I wanted him to learn some independence, just not complete independence from me. You see, Iíve always believed that what was mine was mine. Iíve always believed in sharing thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. Iíve signed petitions, marched, and gotten arrested. Iíve given. Iíve shared, but my son is mine alone. Until recently.

When Blair first told me about sentinels, I encouraged him. They were a myth, a fantasy, no threat to what I felt my place in his life to be. Since they werenít real, he couldnít find one. Therefore, I would remain first with him.

He attended Rainier at a very early age. I had hoped being so much younger would make him homesick and he would want to return to me. That was a mistake. Not only did he stay, he excelled. I knew he was intelligent. I guess I hoped his brilliance would be bored with academic structure. So I let things be. Another mistake.

When he told me he was going to be an observer with the Cascade PD, the alarms went off. I decided to go see for myself. I didnít think he would stay with it. I had taught him my attitudes about cops and thought the first serious problem, heíd leave. Instead, he had immersed himself into the world of Jim Ellison. I tried to stop him. I belittled him. I threw a fit. He defied me. His partner was smart. He knew if he spoke up, I could use it against him. But with the Captain talking, it threw water on my fire. I should have known then Iíd lost. I kept trying. I tried irritating the roommate, interfering with cases, flirting with friends and coworkers. I even tried a psychic. Nothing moved my son.

The cause of his leaving me? Jim Ellison. Brave, courageous, honest, a hero. Oh donít get me wrong, he has his faults. He has a temper, walls stronger than Fort Knox, issues, and an immovable sense of wrong and right. Everything is black and white for him. There are no gray areas. Theyíre not allowed in his well-ordered, written list, rules are made to be obeyed world. I thought perhaps my Blair would tire of this. Instead, he reveled in it. He enjoyed the order and the responsibility. I had taught him to be responsible to me and to himself. Now, he enjoyed being responsible to and for others. I never, never taught him this way. Detach with love. Again, where did I go wrong?

Heís been shot, drugged, beaten, kidnapped, and even dead! Does he come to me? No, he turns to Jim. He always turns to him. It seems no matter what happens, who is responsible, or how it happens, he goes to his "best friend", "family", and "brother by choice." I even tried to seduce the man to make Blair see that I was the only one he could trust. That didnít work. I didnít understand the connection at that time.

I finally thought Iíd accomplished my goal with the dissertation. I thought if it were done, Blair would have no reason to stay around. Heíd be back with me where he belonged. The consequences were even greater that I could have dreamed! Jim was a Sentinel. My baby had found his Holy Grail and was his Holy Grail furious! Perfect!

I knew Sid was not the most above board person. However he had accomplished overnight what Iíd tried to do for years. I was ecstatic. I managed to keep my feelings hidden and pretended to be sorry. I asked Blair if he still loved me. He said he did. THAT was what mattered anyway.

But no. I made another mistake. When Blairís friends offered him a net to fall into, I was sure heíd say no. So I smiled and acted so thrilled and proud for him. My baby a cop? Yeah, right! He surprised me. Not only did he become a cop, he graduated at the top of his class. My baby had settled down. Without me. How could he have done this?

So Iíve stayed away. Before I left though I gave Jim a huge piece of my mind. I told him how I blamed him and how irresponsible heíd been with Blair. He was responsible for my baby being lost. He was responsible for the turns my baby had taken.

Itís all his fault.

Iíve stayed away hoping that Blair would become so miserable that he would come to his senses and come back to me. If Iím gone long enough heíll miss me. Heíll want to travel again, meet new people, and go to new places. Heíll come back to me. He has to. Iím his mother.

The End