Just A Moment
I feel the need to warn that this is not a fluffy bunny piece, it has nothing really to due with abuse, but it depends on what you consider Jim's childhood as well on that statement.
Jim listened as the heart monitor beeped its sad tune over and over again. Never changing, never increasing the slow beat he now heard echoing in his head. He knew there were other things to listen too, other things that he should be saying, other stuff he should have taken care of. But he just couldnít bring himself to move away from that beat.
Sitting back in the hard chair he thought about all of the things he had never thought to say, been to angry to say been to bull headed to admit to. But now, now all of that seemed like a life time ago and this, this reality was one in which he wasnít sure he was ready to be in.
You never think to say what your true feelings are until you worry that you wont be able to say them to that person ever again. And that was why he sat where he did right now. Sat in the middle of fear and hope and
all the emotions in between. Of longing for more time and hating that he wasnít sure there would be more.
The door swung open again, and once again he didnít bother to look up to see who had come in. That didnít matter, not really. In the grand scheme of things nothing really mattered but this moment, this moment of indecision. The moment, in which he had to decide to forgive, move on and forget. Or choose to hold onto the hurt, hate and the feeling of being a freak of nature. All the feelings that this man who was laying before him now had caused him at some point in time in his life.
"He really does love you Jim." His brothers voice came out of no where "he is just not the kind of person to be able to show it like others can."
"Now he has you providing him excuses?" Jim had replied. Steven had caught him with his emotions to close to the surface.
"No, just I thought I would let you know what it took me years of being around him to find out." Stephen moved to stand by the other side of the bed looking down at the pale man in front of him.
"Hereís where Blair would tell me I need to detach with love from my anger. But I just canít Stephen. Iíve been trying, we both have been butÖ" Jim sat back in the hard chair again his feelings getting the most of him once more.
"ButÖ" Stephen prodded.
"But itís just to soon to say all is forgiven and forgotten. There is so much you donít know about, so much that has transpired between the two of us and I just donít think that I can let it all go."
Stephen walked around the bed to stand by his brotherís side. He took a moment to just look down at the man who had so recently been thrust back into their lives. "Jim, dad did tell me some of what went on between you two. Neither of us blames you for joining the army, hell it was probably the best thing you could have done. Dad was a lot nicer after you went away, Iím not sure why, it was like he had had a load taken off of him. Somehow I never quite understood it, but I was always grateful for it." A silence filled the room as Stephen paused to try and get his thoughts together. "He missed you though. Late at night, I would wander downstairs and find him in his study looking at your picture he would say Ďthatís my boyí and smile, one of those private emotional times we were never suppose to see."
"Yeah, private emotions." Jim muttered looking down at his dadís pale face.
ĎWell, Iíll leave you two alone now." He patted Jim hard on the shoulder before walking back to the door only to stop and turn back before opening it. "Jim, he is so very proud of you. No matter what, never forget that even if he never had the chance or the courage to tell you himself."
Jim looked into his brotherís eyes and saw the love and emotion that he was trying to convey. "Thanks Stephen."
And then he was alone again with the man who had made his childhood one he wasnít really sure he wanted to remember. Except now he had his brothers words rolling around in his mind mixing with the already turmoiled emotions that was his current state of thinking. His heart was telling him one thing and his ego and pride were screaming another and as the heart monitor beeped and unnatural rhythm he worried that his moment would be gone and that he would live with a guilt he didnít want to put a name to.
"Do you love him?" Blairís voice came out of no where and Jim looked up to see his friend standing in the doorway.
"Yes." He answered honestly, not ashamed to let Blair see the unshed tears in his eyes.
"Then why canít you let it go. Everyone makes mistakes Jim, you know that." It was his guide voice, the soft tones of reassurance that had worked so well on him in the past.
"He never tried to make it right Blair. Never once told me I did okay, that it was okay to be special. He didnít want a freak for a son so he had me repress my abilities and then forced me to join the army so that he would have one less burden and the government could right his wronged child." There was hurt and hate in his tone, but he didnít need to be sorry about that. Blair understood that was why he was here.
"Jim you donít know that." He walked over and squatted down next to his friend. "I am in no place to try and justify his actions to you or anyone else. But you are not seven anymore; you are a man with your own
mind and your own experiences to fall back on. You have been out in the world where broken families are the norm and the hurt of a broken home ripples down to every member. For as much as your dad hurt you, he was hurting to. Itís not fair, itís not right and itís a bad reason to do what he did, but Jim you told me yourself you were closer with your mom then your dad. Maybe he was trying to hurt her through you?"
"Itís no excuse Chief." Jimís emotions were closing off his throat as he mixed in Blairís theory with his brother's words and wondering what the hell was the right thing to do.
"No, no itís not Jim. But all I am saying is that deep down you knew he loved you. Deep down you both know itís been the stubborn Ellison pride keeping you from talking to one another and even deeper down you know you want to forgive him and move on in both your life and his." Blair kept his hand on Jimís arm as he softly spoke to his friend hating to see the hurt that was written all over Jimís face.
"What if he dies?"
"Then you can move on knowing you made your peace. Jim thank about it okay." Blair patted the arm he had been holding onto as he stood and moved towards the door. "Give yourself that moment of relief and absolution Jim, donít hold onto the hate the sentinel of the great city knows itís the right thing to do."
As he turned to leave Jim stood and looked out onto the city he had been sworn to protect as the heart monitor reminded him of just why he had come. His heart lurched in his chest as he moved over and took his fathers hand.
"DadÖ" He began, then paused to clear his throat "if I knew where to start it would make things a hell of a lot easierÖ"
Blair smiled as he looked into the room through the observation window. A simple moment of time was all it took to make right things that had been long set wrong. Just a moment to tell those around you that you loved them, needed them and forgave them.
Just a moment, that James Ellison had finally decided to take.