Journal entry 02/15/02
You ever have one of those never ending days? Where every time you think that you can just sit down and think something new comes up? Well, welcome to my world. Not only is it cold and wet (thank you so much Cascade weather) but now you can add tired to that description. I normally donít complain like this, honest. I can bitch about fifty other things, but not about *me* itís just not something I do. I guess thatís why Iím doing it now and here. Itís not like I donít know Jimís trying to keep things in perspective but damn it, *sigh* itís like the never ending saga of a bad movie trilogy. Ever since I got out of the academy and joined Jim full time "officially" itís been one thing after another. Itís not all crime, itís the meeting with Simon about how we are not helping other departments "adjust" to the change in my lifestyle. It was a wonderful way to learn that people still consider me a fraud. Although I gave Simon a scare when I told him Iíd resign. That I didnít want to take a chance that someone might get killed because my co-workers donít think highly enough to call for my back up. Cops can be such pigs. I now know what Naomi was talking about. One minute they are all happy shaking your hand, the next they are looking for a discrete way to thrust the knife deep into your back. Especially the jerks in VICE. If it was just me they were putting down I wouldnít mind. If it was only me that had to deal with it, again I could deal. But itís not. Itís Jim too. I know he can hear what they are saying two floors above or below us. I know it hurts him to think that he got me into this situation (Iíve tried to explain that it was my choice, but you know Jim is so hard headed I just gave up.) that itís his fault that my rep is nothing now. But to me itís different. I still plan on getting my degree maybe not at Rainer but Iíll get it. Just need to let things settle. What I feel bad about is most is Jim. The sentinel of the great city no longer wants to be in the police line of work. My guess is because he is just now really seeing what some people are like. How I am sort of an out cast, it reminds him of his Ranger days and Peru. He hasnít said it, but I can tell. Itís too much like when the Army turned their back on him and his team. That doesnít sit right with him. He told me the other night that I had to get through 3 more years at the most and then he would resign and find a better way. He agreed that we might move and start again, I donno about that yet. I know that sentinel and guide canít be apart long so that pretty much links us together for life. And even if it didnít Jimís my friend, if he needed me to go, I would with no second thought. Still, my mind is tired, my body is tired from lack of rest and my heart is tired of being let down by human nature and jerks.
Rereading this I now know something for sure. I am *tired* I need sleep, maybe Iíll try and get Jim away for a camping trip this weekend. If Iím tired, he must be exhausted.